looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
