take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize