nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
