last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
