I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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