all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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