I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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