Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
