Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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