Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
