I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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