dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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