i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
