I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Bring me that man meat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
