Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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