She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
