were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
