I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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