You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
