my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
