There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
