There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
