woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
