He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
