Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
