I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
