if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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