I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
