Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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