Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My breasts were aching with rage.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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