I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
