youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
