Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
