My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
