Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
