i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
