ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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