i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
