Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
