I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Drunk is not a location!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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