I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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