I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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