This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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