So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
