Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
