there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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