my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
