i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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