Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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