I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
