nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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