seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
