you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I understand Curling. That high.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
