you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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