I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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