I don't remember. Are we still dating?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
