Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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