Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
