the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
