I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
