I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
