I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
