Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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