Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize